A woman speaks:

Time out is a great short-term strategy for when things get unsafe. Unsafe means any situation where we use any kind of abusive practices. What we're building here with you are time-in strategies. Having relationship time-in skills are based upon the following ideas.

Making thoughtful decisions. A key decision is...how do I want to be in this relationship? Being mature enough to forgive. We all muck up from time to time. We manage to stay present. We don't drag past stuff into this moment. We deal with what's in front of us and try and figure out a way through.

We understand that life is not certain. Being uncertain about something can bring a sense of worry and anxiety. The anxiety can then flow back into our family situations and create conflict. Live with imperfection. As human beings we're all flawed in some way. Being an adult means that we accept our flaws and manage them.

We can make sense of our past experiences including trauma and how this impacts our relationships. As we often say, our past shapes us...but it does not need to define us. Some of the work we need to do is to understand the influence of our past, including our upbringing and potential trauma, and manage this. Early experiences don't give us permission to act badly.

We're adaptable and open to learning new skills. Relationships require us to work really hard. They demand lots of us, and the other person. Learning how to be in a relationship is a lifelong journey. Adding on to the list, we think the greatest time-in skill is being able to support family wellbeing. I think you'd agree that this is good for everyone...ourselves, our partners, our children.

Your challenge is to take time to think about how you'd rate yourself on your time-in skills.